Crying

I hate to cry...Who doesn't? My eyes get red, my cheeks get blotchy, my nose gets stuffy and for some strange reason, my upper lip gets swollen. I guess that crying is a spiritual experience for me! It is probably the reason that I won't do it in front of people, I will do it alone or when I am on the phone with someone, that way they won't see me. Sounds very egotistical, I know, but just chalk it up to one of my issues I need to work on.

Well, this week I think I have cried more that I have in my entire life, and quite frankly I am sick of it. I have had one of my many recent "breakdowns" which consist of my basically hyperventalating and in the fetal position on the floor..Its really a good time!! As a result of that I had another breakdown in front of someone, and then another on the phone with someone. Now this was all in one day, and I thought it was done, but I was wrong, because I spent about the whole day yesterday, and half the day today crying about basically the same thing!! It really makes me ask myself "what the hell is wrong with me!!"

Well, after all of this, and me wanting to rip my eyes out of my head because they hurt so much, I have decided this, I have to just let go. After all that's all I can do, and it is what is going to help me sleep at night....Hopefully!

Surprises!

Well, anyone who knows me knows how much I hate surprises. I don't know if it is the gossip queen in me, or if its the girl in me that has to know everything about everyone, but regardless, surprises are up there on the the things I hate.

I feel I should preface this by saying there has been very few Christmas and birthday gifts I don't know about. Even if I am not told exactly what it is, I am usually given enough of a hint to figure it out or come pretty close to what it is.

Well, this weekend was one surprise after another to such an extreme that I no longer know what to think or expect!! Let me start from the beginning....

Thursday afternoon I was on the phone with a friend of mine and he told me that he was getting a c.d. for my birthday. Well, after much prodding and nagging I got enough hints out of him, that I had it narrowed down to three different artists, so I thought. When I told him what I thought he told me that I was wrong at first, but then told me I was right, but he wouldn't tell me which one it was. Well, that sent me into such a rage that I actually debated even talking to him again (I am so damn mature!!).

Saturday night....I go to my Melissa and Moms Christmas party (what a good time!!) Now, after the party we hung out and we all talked about what our plans were for the next day. I mentioned that I was going to a friends house and I was not looking forward to it because I wanted to relax all day, so one of my friends that was here said that he would call me at a certain time to help get me out of there. Now, I also told him I was planning to go to my friends house in my pajamas (and no bra!) because what did I care!

So, off I go on Sunday to my friends house (I ended up being in actual clothes) with her xmas present, the kids, and wet laundry (my dryer is broken) under my arm. When my friend opened the door she very subtly said "Happy Birthday" and there was a sign hanging behind her. I smiled and said thank you and then as I walked in I saw some of my friends hiding and then they said "surprise!". AHHHHH!!! I was so mad and happy at the same time! I didn't know if I wanted to kill her or hug her. The best part was that as the time progressed some of my other friends came and we had a great time.

I suppose the moral of this story is that for as much as I may say I hate surprises I guess I actually like them....Just don't tell anyone!!

Decisions, Decisions

To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly.


I recently came upon this quote and I felt it was so fitting and applied so much to my life right now that I was complelled to just let my fingers go and see where it goes. I am finally at a point in my life that I am looking at things through adult eyes and not ones that require approval from Mom and Dad. It is such a strange and weird feeling that sometimes I am wishing I could go back to where I was not too long ago.

I recently made an adult decision and for the first time in my life, after making it I didn't regret it or wish I never made it. Even though it was not the decision that other people wouldn't have made (you know who you are...haha), I am not regretting it at all. I feel that this decision made me stronger, happier, and has made my self esteem explode to heights that I never thought possible.

I think the reason that I am feeling so good about this decision is because it was thought out, talked about (some even got sick of hearing about it), and thought out even more before I did it. For the first time in my life I made the decision myself and the outcome was unbelievable and only made things better.