The Perfect Man

We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
-- Anonymous

What exactly is the perfect man? Tall, dark and handsome or short, light and ugly? Is he bald (naturally or by choice) or is does he have hair down to his waist? Is he quiet or is he the life of the party? Is he strong and can leap buildings in a single bound, or is he the type that would rather talk to someone and not use his fists? Does he want a woman to stay home while he goes out and works, or does he want a woman to work so he can stay home and play Mr. Mom. I don't quite know the answer to this blanket question, but I do know who it would be for me.
First off, I need a man who is going to love not only me, but also my children, after all we are a package deal. If he can't accept all of us, then he is definitely not for me. Next, I need someone who loves what they do for work, and doesn't just do it for the money. Speaking from experience, I would rather be broke and happy than rich and miserable. And lastly, I need someone who is close with their family, that way they are not weirded out or threatened by my relationship with my family.
Now these cover the basics, and to be quite honest, I have a hard time finding these qualities in men. The scary part is that I never get a chance to see if they have the other qualities I am looking for. For example, do they have the same kind of drive as I do so they can be a good role model for my children the way I have always tried to be? Also, can they make me laugh, and can I make them laugh? There is nothing worse than someone who doesn't get my humor..oohh, that is so frustrating!! But lastly, do they know all about me, good and bad, and still want to be with me and my children?
I have yet to have the chance to get the answer to this question because the men I meet either run when they find out I have kids, or only want one thing, and I am not willing to give it up, so they move onto the next person!
So, this basically leaves me with only one thing to do..I (have to) believe that this person exists and is out there, but until then, I will not fret or become obsessed with finding him, I will live my life and wait patiently for my "Perfect Man"

strange fears

I have never been one to consider myself an adventurous person. I look both ways before crossing the street, I wear my seatbelt, and I never go to bed with the dryer running. In fact some people may even laugh at some of my fears. For example, when I was having my babies, my fear was not that the kids would be ok or that the spinal wouldn't take, but that there would be a fire in the hospital and I would be numb from the neck down and not be able to get out. Or the fear that I am going to somehow plumet to my death in an elevator that the chains, or whatever holds them up, will break and that will be the end of me.
Well, last Sunday I got the pleasure of getting a ride on Freds new boat. Now if there is one thing I Can say about my brother-in-law is that when he does something he does it BIG!! This boat is amazing! It has a little space that one can sit in to get out of the sun, it has a bathroom, and it has a t.v with a d.v.d. player attached (maddie and colin were very impressed by that!). Well, I was o.k. with getting on the boat and I was very excited about it, until we were out of the neck and on "the big lake"
Now, I am used to little ol' Kingston Lake, and Lake Winnipisokee (or however it is spelled)is about 5 times bigger. But never the less, I was ok because I trusted Fred.
Well, then the boat was going faster and faster and there were all kinds of other watercraft all around us (who were not practicing water safety laws I might add!!) and that is when it hit me...I am in the middle of huge friggen lake, and if something happens what am I going to do!!!!!!!! How am I going to get my kids to safety, how am I going to keep my cool, am I really a good enough swimmer or have the years taken a toll on me?!?!
Needless to say, this made the first 30-40 minutes of my ride pretty nerve racking and not so enjoyable. It also didn't help the situation that while Paige was taking a nap right on the back bench (because she was do relaxed), Colin was asking me if the boat was going to catch on fire (gee, I wonder where he gets that from..lol!) But, after the boat slowed down I decided to venture to the front of the boat and sit in the passanger seat (a.k.a. Micheal's seat on Micheal's boat!!) and then I realized why the boat was so amazing. The whole time I was sitting there I never realized how fast we were going, or even noticed the other traffic on the lake. All I could see were the houses, the wonderful scenery, and how good it felt to have the wind in my hair. Sounds cheezy, I know, but its the only way to decribe it.
We spent almost five hours on the boat, and it never felt that long at all. I will admit, I didn't jump in the water when we stopped in the middle of the lake, although Maddie did and I practilly had to bribe her with money to get her out, but I did finally realize what all the fuss was about, and I can't wait to go again!!

My New Job

Well, due to some child care issues (view previous blog) I have recently been almost forced to find a new job. Well, The job I found is in the same field I left to go about 2 years ago....Day Care. It was not my first choice, but I figured that it would be easy getting back into it and it wouldn't be too stressful.
Now, normally I am not a cocky person, but I feel that I know quite a bit about working it the day care field (that is what my degree is in after all) so I was very confident about going on the interview. And when I got the job I was pretty excited. But I had no idea that I feel like I do now.
I have always loved working with kids...especially toddlers. I just think they are so fun and it is such a wonderful feeling to have them learn something that I taught them. I can honesty say now that I feel like I am where I should be and where I am happiest.
I have never felt like this at a job, and even though at the the end of every day I am so tired I can hardly stand myself, I look forward to going to work again the next day. I feel at ease when I am there, and it is a job that I feel so natural at. It just feels so good to be back, and I can only hope that it will stay this way.

bunkbeds and doctors offices

Well, Colin got his new bunkbed, well not new, but new to us, two weeks ago. He loved it. He was so excited to have his bunkbeds that he has been waiting for all winter. Every night he starts on the top bunk, but before he even falls asleep he moves to the bottom and that is where he sleeps.
Well, last Monday, it was an especially hot night, and he decided he wanted to sleep on the top bunk so he could stay cool with the ceiling fan. I said sure, and went into my room. Well, at about 10:30, I heard a big thud, and it was Colin on the floor in his room. Well, I grabbed him, put him on the bed, and began to do the body scan. There were no bumps or red marks, which made me even more nervous because I have always been told that if you can see it its ok, but if you can't, there could be something internal going on. This was also one of the times I was so glad he was 6 and could tell me what hurt. Now, when I asked him, all he said hurt was his arm, which I found strange because I assumed he landed on his head.
So, I called my mother, figuring she would tell me he was o.k. and put him back to bed. Well, she told me to call the doctor (which freaked me out even more), and the doctor said to ice his arm, wake him up every now and then, and bring him to the office in the morning.
Well, in the morning, Colin and I headed to the doctors office, and once again I thought they would tell me that he was o.k., and to send him back to school. Well, after the x-rays we realized that his wrist was broken, and that contrary to popular opinion, Colin does have a high tolerance for pain!! So, at the doctors office they put him in a splint (because of the swelling) and told us to come back the next Tuesday to have it casted.
So, over the next few days, I kept noticing that his fingers were swelling up more and more. Well, on Thursday I called my mom, expecting to get the "perfectly normal" response (although I should have learned) and once again I was told to call the doctors office. Well, once again they told me to bring him in to the office first thing in the morning and they could check it out. So, back we went on Friday, and got more x-rays and we were told that it was not healing right, and that we had to go to the orthopedic so he could see it. (Now, I have to add that I was already feeling like a terrible mother because I let my son sleep on the top bunk with no guard, but now I am thinking I have permently screwed up my sons left wrist (and he is a lefty) for the rest of his life!!)
So, off we went to ANOTHER doctor on Friday afternoon. Now, I was expecting the worse and a lecture, but he said that I was healing fine, but that it had to be casted right away. So, he put on a glow in the dark green cast for Colin (his favorite color), and then told us that the cast could come off in two to three weeks!! Yeah!!!
So, now Colin is the new celebrity at school and he gets to have all his friends sign his cast and he won't have a cast on all summer! And I don't feel nearly as bad about no guard on the bed, but I won't let him sleep on the top bunk until Pepere puts on the guard because lord knows I want to be done with doctors offices for the rest of the summer!

June 6th

This day is fast approaching and the closer it gets, the crazier I get. You would think that I would be ok with it by now, but every year I get crazy, and I know why I am crazy, and I know that I am going to be crazy, but yet each year the same thing happens.
The funny thing is that I know what I should do...double up on my meetings, call my sponsor, read the big book, etc. But do I? Hell no!! I just act and think crazy and try to be superwoman, and make up a million reasons why I can't do what I am supposed to do (and people wonder why I am psychotic!!!!)
When the day finally comes around, I usually forget what day it is until about noon, and then its almost as if I have a spiritual awakening because the knot is gone in my stomach, my head shuts off, by heart stops beating a million miles a minute and I realize that I have made it through another year.
The strangest thing is that I can always look back on the years and pin point the major life change I am going through at that time of the year. It has been something every year and it just adds to the chaos already in my life.
Well, it felt good to get that out, and the most important thing that I need to remember is that I always get through, and when it is all done, I can say "now, what was all the fuss about?"

Mothers and Sons

"A son is a son until he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life"

I remember my mother saying this to me when my friend was pregnant with her second son and I couldn't understand why she wanted a girl so bad. I actually thought it was a terrible thing that she wasn't just happy that her baby was healthy. Since then I have heard many women say that they're third or fouth baby was their try for a girl and I can't seem to understand why. I feel the same when I hear of women having three or four girls and never having a disire for a son. Maybe its the fact that I am a single mother, or maybe its that he is the only boy in the house, but I can't ever see my boy not being a mama's boy for the rest of his life.
My boy is the epitome of a "Mama's Boy". There is an ongoing joke that if his head could be surgically attached to my ass, it would be. If I am the only one sitting on the couch, then he will come right over to me and sit on my lap (and he is 65 lbs now!). When the s**t hits the fan, than I am the only one who can calm him down, and make him feel alright.
I feel that the ultimate attachment is the drop off's we go through and his ongoing separation anxiety. Here is a kid that has been in some kind of school for the past five and a half years, and he still gets teary when I drop him off at school, at the babysitters or wherever. I am always called back for one more kiss and hug and I love you. It still breaks my heart everytime.
I will sometimes sit and think about a reality that may come true one day....getting pregnant again and having another son. I think that he would be so heart broken that it may make his attachment even worse (even if he is eighteen when it happens!).
The one thing I do know is that he is my boy, and he will be for the rest of my life.